Tuesday, August 30, 2011


It’s only been around 3 months since my last post! I thought for sure it would’ve been longer. It feels longer. Hope any of you still out there are doing well and enjoying life.
It’s finally summer here in Seattle and it only took until the last two weeks of August. Lucky us! I’ll freely admit that this “summer” has made me feel like it might be time to leave this city for places unknown, but when you see the Puget sound so bright and blue on those perfectly sunny days…sigh…it’s tough to want to leave. You’ll probably be hearing this exact same go around next Spring.
So what has dragged me away from blogland? No good excuse I’m afraid. Frankly, I didn’t want to think about weight loss anymore. I still kind of don’t. I’m going through what appears to be a transitional time in my life, and weight loss just doesn’t seem all that important right at the moment. In fact, it became a distraction. Maybe even a crutch. If I could just constantly be worried about what I was eating and when I was working out, I didn’t have to think about anything else. I didn’t have to think about how frustrated I was with my job, or that I felt disconnected from my friendships, or mad at my husband. I was losing weight, gosh darn it! That’s a higher calling, don’t you know? Truth is that I was letting it distract me from dealing with everything else. Don’t get me wrong – I haven’t actually dealt with everything else. But now I’m THINKING about dealing with everything else. At the very least I’m aware that there are other things to be dealt with.
As I was perusing around to some other blogs, I see that so many others have continued to share their journey. Christine at A Deliberate Life was brutally self honest as usual and infinitely relateable. Her comments about trying to fix others to avoid taking a hard look at yourself were right on the mark for me. I’ve been spending quite a bit of time checking out everyone else’s paper to make sure their on track while ignoring my own work to be done. Why, oh why is it so hard to see ourselves clearly? It would just be so much easier to fix everyone else’s problems first. Their problems are all so clear and obvious! Easily fixed! Whereas I feel like I can’t even get a handle on what the real problem actually IS.
I guess that’s life, right? There’s just going to be a certain amount of stumbling around in the dark – literally and figuratively. I keep waiting for the beam of light to illuminate it all for me, clear as day, with a huge booming voice saying “This way! This is the way you’re meant to go!” Unfortunately, it seems like right now all I’m getting is the light from a crack under the door. I can see vague shapes and promising possibilities, but even when I’m standing right next to them, I tend to miss them. There’s something right there, and I’m trying to reach out and grab it, but it’s not going to be caught so easily this time. I have to work for it. Which would be fine if I knew what work needed to be done.
Just a bit of existential blathering. Needless to say, I’m feeling a bit lost these days. It just feels like it’s taking forever to find…whatever it is I’m looking for.

Monday, May 9, 2011


Hope everyone had a great weekend! It's a tough Monday today. Even making it to the gym this morning didn't lift my mood like I was hoping it would, but I'll just keep on trucking.

I've signed back up with my trainer and sessions start on the 25th. My workouts need a serious boost, so the timing is excellent.

On a more personal note, does anyone else out there just feel like you have these times in life where you just never say or do the right thing? That every natural instinct is just totally wrong? Lately I feel like everything I say and do just manages to piss off or upset someone. I think it's partly the dreariness here in Seattle is dragging everyone down and making them crabby, but I'm also trying to look at what I'm doing wrong. Maybe I'm the crabby one? Sometimes I just wish it was easier to see ourselves as we really are so we could fix all the things that need fixing. Instead we sort of flounder around just doing the best we can. Compassion, both towards ourselves and towards others, is really the answer. It's just not always easy to feel it or make it happen.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Field Trip

I headed to Vegas over the weekend with a couple of girlfriends and it was just what I needed! Three days poolside with perfect weather. 80 to 85 degrees with a nice breeze and blue skies. Seattle is a beautiful city but everything they say about the weather is true. I had to get out!

Eating there was a serious challenge, but I did okay. A few cocktails too many, but overall it could've been much worse. The biggest problem is that the food there is gross and twice as expensive as anyplace else. We hit up a pharmacy for sunscreen one day and when I saw a rack of fruit I became ridiculously excited. Along the strip there are no grocery stores because they want you to eat out at all the overpriced restaurants. But who goes to Vegas for the food? It's all about the nightlife and getting some sun!

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Get Down With The Sickness

Happy Easter weekend! I've joined all of you out there in Blogland in the illnesses that are knocking people out left and right. I went home early from work on Thursday and stayed home yesterday. Today I'm feeling significantly better but still unable to leave the house without a big wad of tissues on my person. It's so, so gross to be blowing your nose everywhere, but better than being that adult who wipes her snot on her sleeve like a two year old.

I've also realized how much I HATE being sick. It's just so boring. You're not at work, but yet you can't do any of the fun things that you want to do when you're at home. No workouts either. That's the worst I think because I rely so much on working out to keep me levelheaded and happy. Instead I laid on the couch, ate whatever crap I could find (not much since I don't buy really bad stuff, but I did spend quite a bit of time with peanut butter and a spoon. Blech) and bitched at my husband about how bored I was. The worst part is that we're finally, FINALLY having some spring weather here in Seattle. Vitamin D all over the place! Seattle is the most beautiful city ever - but only when it's sunny! Which has probably been a total of two months in the last two years. Anyway, yesterday was gorgeous, and I was on forced bedrest. Lucky for me, today is even better! So hubby and I have been out running errands on foot. Save a little money in gas and get a bit of light exercise.

I also waxed my eyebrows for the very first time today! I wax other bits, but I've never done my brows because they don't really need it that much. But they did need some trimming, so I thought I'd do the whole shebang. I'm loving it, but right now I look lobster-esque around the brow. Hopefully it will fade shortly.

I've also decided to buckle down and do the final push to my goal weight. I'm going to start meeting with my trainer again and really refocus to get myself to 135. I'm happy with where I am, but I really want to do this. I've proven to myself in the last few months that I can maintain where I'm at, and I can see what I'll need to do to get myself to goal. It's doable. I wasn't sure if it would be, but it definitely is. I feel so good when I'm really sticking to my eating and working out plan, and just being really dedicated to it will get me there.

The paleo thing has been pretty incredible actually. I'm not able to do the full blown plan, but even just cutting out processed grains has been huge. It makes maintenence really easy, and it's done wonders for my skin. I have rosacea on my face, and when I'm sticking to plan it fades significantly.

I hope everyone has a lovely holiday and is lucky enough to get a bit of sun!

Thursday, April 21, 2011


This past weekend I headed down to Portland for my close girlfriend's baby shower. I'm at the stage of live where practically everyone I know is pregnant. No, really. It's insane. There was another extremely pregnant friend there, and then another friend made her announcement as well. And there's 3 pregnant women on my floor at work. And one of my sister's-in-law is pregnant. I'm sure there's shortly more to be announced.

Anyway, that's not actually what this post is about. At the shower there was a woman that I apparently hadn't seen since just after college at my friend's wedding, around 8 years ago. At that time I'd started losing some weight, but I was still in the early stages and right around 200 or so. I was chatting with her a bit during the shower (she'd brought her 6 month old. See? Everyone!) and she seemed a bit cool, which I just figured was due to her focus on the baby and so many of our old friends being around to talk to.

As the party was winding down, I went to say goodbye to the guest of honor, and she and this other woman were chatting. When I was saying my goodbyes, the other woman admitted that she actually hadn't recognized me because I'd lost so much weight. I was kind of taken aback. I was REALLY heavy so long ago that I just can't imagine that I really look all that different than I ever did. I guess the whole thing made me feel really awkward, when I was supposed to be flattered?

I'm sure there are those of you with big weight losses that have experienced this type of thing. For me, I'm almost always left with that feeling of "Boy, was I really just so hideous before?" People mean well, and it IS flattering to hear that you look nice. But knowing that I was always the same person on the inside makes it hard to hear what people REALLY thought of your outside. It's kind of painful in a way. I keep waiting for this feeling to fade, but it seems to happen almost every time. I'm trying to just be flattered. It's really my own issues that make it hard to hear the compliments.

Monday, April 18, 2011


I just needed a break. I felt like I was getting to the point where weight loss and what I was eating was all I could think about. It was getting to be too much. Just a little burn out.

But I'm here and all is well. I've been maintaining my loss without too much trouble. I've been doing sort of a lazy person's paleo program and it's working really well for me. Sticking to lots of fruit, veggies, and protein. Weekends are still bumpy, but as usual, I'm working on it.

I have to say though, maintenence is so boring. It's a challenge, no doubt, but with none of the glory of weight loss. It's the red-headed stepchild of the weight loss world. It gets to be habit and routine - it has to if I'm going to be successful - but there are those days where you just think of all the years you have ahead of you to spend watching what you eat. And they feel loooooonnnnnnggggg. Although I have reached that point where when I make a poor choice, I feel it right away. I ate pizza for lunch last week and really thought I might have to take a nap under my desk for the afternoon. And french fries sit like a ten pound rock in my stomach.
I guess it's good that my body is telling me what it needs and keeping me in check. But I still weigh about 3 to 4 pounds more on a Monday than I do on a Friday, so there's still lots of work to do.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Break These Rusty Chains

Can I just give some mad props to those of you out there who post pretty much every day!? I seriously don't know how you manage to come up with something interesting to say every day. I'm so impressed. More so now that I actually have my own blog and am realizing how challenging it is.

Tracking - glorious, boring, effective tracking. It has once again done the trick! I haven't been freaky about being on top of it, but every other day seems to be a good balance. The weight is feeling comfortable again and the eating (and drinking!) are where they should be. Thank goodness!

I had a nice NSV over the weekend. Hubby and I went down to Portland to visit some of my college friends. My good girlfriend is getting to be very pregnant, and Hubby didn't bring his workout gear, so on Saturday I went for a run with my girlfriend's husband. I was fully expecting for him to either have to slow way, way down for me or just leave me in the dust. Neither one happened! It was amazing! We were both shocked. I have to say that interval training is a creator of miracles. Losing weight has definitely helped, but switching up my training has made the biggest difference.

I'm not one for following the newest diet craze, but I was curious about whether any of you out there have ventured into trying the Paleo diet? First time I heard about it I totally scoffed! Why follow a diet from a time period where everyone pretty much died by the time they're 30? But a friend of mine is trying it out, and the more she's told me about it, the more it seems to line up with eating changes I'm following almost naturally. Lots of it seems to be kind of a no-brainer - ie: eat protein, fruits, veggies, nuts. Avoid processed foods. Some of it I find sort of so so: no beans? (can't live without my hummus!) I'm still learning more about it, so as I fill things in I'll share a bit. I think what really got me interested was a few posts from Barbara about how they've done studies about the addictive properties of sugar and processed foods. Your brain builds pleasure pathways from the emotional boost you get from sugar, and that creates cravings for more and more of those foods. I feel like I should've known this because it makes perfect sense, but maybe I just needed to be in the right frame of mind to accept it. Now I've just felt ready to kick the habit (okay, not the cocktail habit, but pretty much the rest of it). Some of you out there just have no intention of giving up some of your favorite foods entirely, and frankly, more power to you! If you can eat that stuff and still lose weight, you're made of sterner stuff than I. However, the more I've cut out sugar and processed foods, the fewer cravings I've had for them. And I think the knowledge that giving in and eating them makes it worse has really helped me stick with it in my weaker moments. I AM stronger than those food companies seeking to manipulate me with additives and chemicals. I DO feel better when I feed myself with quality natural foods. Proof is in the pudding - well, if pudding wasn't made with a bunch of chemicals and added sugar. But you catch my drift.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Coming Apart at the Seams

Why is it so hard to blog about this weight loss stuff when you really need it the most? I'm slacking something terrible and I just can't get it together. This is what I get for all my arrogance a couple of months ago when I felt like I could do no wrong on the weight loss front. It always catches up with me!

Back to the same old problems. Not entirely of course, but the cracks are really showing. I'm back to having a few drinks on the weekend nights and a drink a night or two during the week. I'm still fine when I'm at work, but the weekends are just getting worse and worse. It's nothing horrible, but when I consider that I want to lose another 12lbs (okay, okay it's like 15 since I stepped on the scale this morning) it's just not going to work! And I'm so close! I can totally do this. But I think I'm feeling burned out. Just like everyone else in Blogland I've been coming down with something, which doesn't really help. It's pretty mild, but even that makes you tired and unmotivated.

I got an email from my trainer checking in with me and I'm considering going back to working with her again soon. I just feel like I'm using her as a crutch a little bit and I want to be sure it's something I can do on my own. I just really have to buckle down and focus on doing what I know will work. It just feels so hard right now!

Monday, February 21, 2011


Since I've stopped working with my trainer, I've been having kind of a tough time. I was only working with her once a week, but I think even that limited amount of accountability was enough. I haven't gone hog wild or anything, but it's just been that little bit here, little bit there. Without the overall goal of the challenge to work towards, it's been harder to stay motivated.

I'm still working out consistently, and I'm going to try a new class at my gym - Maximum Sculpt. It's an hour long weight training class. I've been doing my own made up circuit training combined with interval cardio, and I think that I'm just getting to the point where I'm a bit bored and my body is adjusting to the level of activity. I need something new.

My eating has been the real culprit here. A couple times a week I've been eating to the point of discomfort. It's almost been on accident, but the "accidents" are adding up. Last week was our second wedding anniversary and we went out for a really nice dinner. At the time I didn't really feel like I'd overdone it, but the food was really rich. Around one in the morning I woke up just beyond miserable. For the rest of the week I felt like I was recovering from this one meal. Then this weekend I did it again on Saturday when we went out with some friends and I had late night beer and pizza. Last night I had my in-laws over for dinner and I had an unplanned cocktail, lots of appetizers, spagetti and meatballs, garlic bread, and cookies for desert. Blech. Again, my stomach is still in recovery.

It's just unacceptable, but you fall into that slip sliding pattern. It just builds on itself. It's kind of like that game Jenga. Anyone ever play that? Where you stack up all the little pieces of wood, piece by piece, for a nice stable tower. Then you start pulling pieces out of the tower and stacking them on top. The goal is to not be the person unlucky or unskilled enough to pull out the piece that knocks the whole thing over. You spend a lot of time hunting for the pieces that are a bit loose, the one's that aren't the weight bearing pieces, so they're easy to pull out. They don't really seem to affect the stability of the whole thing. But over time, all those easily pulled out pieces are still adding to the instability of the whole. They don't seem like it at first, but with each one pulled over time, the tower becomes like swiss cheese.

That's the stage I feel like I'm at right now. I'm not doing anything to REALLY compromise how far I've come, but I'm cutting corners. I'm taking those easy ways out. I'm indulging for a day or two, and trying to make up for it the rest of the week. It makes for instability. That's not the journey that I want.

So, what's the plan? Back to tracking. Aaaauuughhhhhh! I keep thinking I can escape tracking what I eat. The truth is that if I want to keep my weight down I will be doing this on and off for the rest of my life. It's frustrating, but comforting too. I already know that it works. I try to avoid it, but it does the job. And that's exactly what I need.

Monday, February 14, 2011


Here's the hard truth people - I've been slacking. A little extra here, a little snack there. I'm feeling it already. I was really terrible this weekend and completely overdid at dinner both Friday and Saturday nights. I will say that overdoing it now is much different than overdoing it before, but it still doesn't feel good.

Workplace temptations are getting to me. My workplace is very social, so it's expected that you will participate in every birthday, baby shower, team lunch, etc. Don't get me wrong - it's wonderful to have such a great group of people who really care about spending time together. The problem is the food. It adds up quick and it's constant. Everyone means well, but they just refuse to accept that I don't want to eat treats or desserts every day, or twice a week, or at all. It's such a part of that group culture that it's really, really hard to say no and still get to be part of the team. I appreciate that they want me to be a part of the group, but it seems like there should be other options rather than eating dessert. Some groups drink together, my group eats baked desserts together. The hard part is that all of them are pretty thin and have always been that way. They can get away with it. I can't. Sometimes, yes. But not this steady stream of processed sugar. Frankly, I don't WANT to eat it. Desserts just aren't really my thing. I know, I know - how is that possible? Well, it is. I feel resentful that in order to participate I'm expected to do something I don't want to. It sounds like we're going around bullying or stealing, doesn't it? Sometimes I really do feel silly about being so bothered by this, but I haven't felt group pressure like this in a really long time. It's so weird and frustrating. So I'm trying to balance. I'm making concessions here and there, but mitigating the damage by having very small portions. I also wonder if I'm just rebelling. Saying no just to say no. If I have some, even just a little bit, they seem satisfied. It's so strange. I guess I know how uncomfortable it makes me when other people bother me about what I eat, so I try not to do it to others. But there's a couple people in this group that are just total food pushers. I don't know, I'm still figuring out what to do with this. Maybe they worry about me too. I'm pretty regulated in what I eat and I think that's really foreign to them.

But I AM making progress. I told them that for my birthday I want a salad party. They actually thought it was a perfect idea.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Odds and Ends

Today I'm headed to a workshop on learning to meditate. I've been doing yoga for awhile and it always incorporates a bit of meditation, but I've been curious about being more focused on it. The workshop is 3 hours long, which I find a bit daunting, but hopefully we won't be trying to meditate for the entire time or anything. And hopefully there will be snacks. The workshop is being put on by the Buddhist temple here in Seattle (I never knew there was one) and they have satellite programs all over the city. I figure if anyone knows how to teach meditation, it would be a Buddhist temple, and on top of that, the class is free. Should be interesting!

Also this week Hubby and I had our medical exam for some life insurance we're getting. On an interesting NSV, my blood pressure is the lowest it's ever been. Apparently low blood pressure runs in the family, and mine has always been normal, but this time it was borderline low. Around 105/60. Isn't that crazy? I also googled issues with low blood pressure, and for someone my age it's generally not an issue, so no worries there. I think just eating fewer processed foods and working out so much more has really lowered it.

I haven't been reading blogs much this week, so I'm looking forward to seeing what's going on with all of you! On a final note, I'm so ready for summer it's ridiculous. We had clear sunny freezing cold days all this week here in Seattle and I'm longing for a time when I don't have to bundle up. I'm so over winter!

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Practice Makes Perfect?

Injury is pretty much healed, but not entirely. I think the next few days will take care of it. I'm back to working out regularly which makes me happy, just taking it easier than I have been in the past. Thanks for all the comments - I really appreciate the support! Gotta love all the mental stuff that's connected to what others think would be a physical journey. My own mental stuff usually crops up during times like this last problem, but not nearly as often as it used to.
Once upon a time I was totally obsessed with food and eating. I can always relate when someone says that while they're eating, they're thinking about their next meal. That was me, and I'm sure it was some of you. How did this change? I honestly don't know what really did it, but I think it was just practice. I think it was just behaving differently over and over again until it stuck. When I first lost a large amount of weight, I was doing a lot of yoga. Probably 4 or 5 days a week. The mental part of yoga really resounded with my journey of weight loss. The ideas of routine, balance, and practice were exactly what I needed to focus on. The same motions again and again until they were incorporated into muscle memory - not perfect by any means - but automatic. Still trying to push myself to move forward, but being at peace with where my body was in this journey. It was an excellent parallel to what I was trying to do with my eating. It's never "perfect." I don't even know what that is really. It's practice and it's a journey with ups and downs.
I'll tell you the truth that I know - I know I'm going to get to goal and I also know I will put some weight back on. It happens, life happens, and I can't face it with fear and dread. When I lose weight, I don't get it right the first time. It's taken me 10 years to get to this place in my weight loss. I had around 70 or so pounds to lose. That's not that much compared to some out there. But I needed that whole 10 years to do it. I really did. I could have powered through and lost all the weight, but I needed the time for my mind to catch up. I wasn't in a place where my health was an emergency either, which I'm grateful for. I dropped from around 215 to 170 fairly quickly, which was enough for me to feel better. After that it became more about making those changes stick, and really getting my body to a place of health. Ten years - it's a third of my life! My weight has stayed pretty consistent, but there have been ups and downs. I accept that it will be a lifelong journey. Well, today I accept that. Tomorrow I may feel differently.

Sunday, January 30, 2011


I'm pretty frustrated with this situation. Woke up on Saturday with a sore lower back and I'm not sure how that happened. I actually didn't work out on Thursday or Friday because I've felt like I was coming down with something, so I didn't strain it or anything. I went to yoga this morning to see if that would help, and it did, but things are still pretty sensitive. I'm also getting those inklings of concern. I've been working out so consistently and losing so consistently, but I still worry that the weight will pile back on if I miss a day. I know very well that this isn't the case, but it's in the back of my mind. I just remind myself that it takes time for weight to come on and time for weight to come off. A few days of rest will not change things if I continue to eat properly. But it's amazing how long it takes for your mental self to catch up with your physical self. Even when things are good, there's that fear of waking up obese again. I really am I'm dying for a good workout though. It always makes me feel better and more balanced.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Challenge Pics

I promised, and actually delivered! Here's before and after pics from my gym challenge. Please excuse the doofy faces - they were both taken at 6am. Not really my finest hour of the day.



To be honest, I don't see a huge change. I mostly think I look shorter in the before photos, which is probably because of the pants. But I also look like I'm standing up straighter, which is good. I think my back and shoulders are significantly stronger. I can also see a nice change in my belly! The whole thing was definitely worth it. I guess I was just hoping I'd somehow end up looking like She-Ra, ya know? My expectations might've been a little high. Overall though, I look much more toned, which was exactly what I wanted. I'm still working on it, so maybe I'll have to post some home photos in a month or two to keep me accountable!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Slog Blog

Just working out and trying to eat right over here. I don't have a whole lot to say right at the moment. I think I'm just in the post-holiday winter slog at the moment. Tracking my foods and doing a lot of circuit and interval training. Nothing profound to share with all of you, but I didn't want you to think I'd disappeared or given up!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Gym Challenge Results

The gym challenge results were announced tonight AND...I didn't win. But I DID come in second place! Yep, so close, yet so far. I really, really wanted to win - it meant 12 free training sessions and 6 months free gym membership! That works out to around $1100 worth of prizes, so I'm sure you can understand my disappointment. However, on a personal level, I really did just totally rock this. Could I have worked harder? Lost more weight? Yes, absolutely. But when I consider what I managed to do, especially over the holiday season, I'm pretty damn proud. Below are my results from the last 3 months. And some of you may notice a little surprise in the below chart:

Yep, that's right. 148! I hit the 140's very conveniently - just in time for the weigh in. And on top of that a body fat percentage loss of 7%! Guys, I'm just thrilled by this. Looking at these numbers, I'm so close to the "normal" range for everything. I just can't imagine it. I've ALWAYS been fat - always in the obese or at least overweight category. And I'm really happy about my muscles. I know I've blabbed on and on before about weight training, but I'm telling you, it just does wonders. It makes me feel so much better about my body. Things just don't constantly jiggle anymore. I don't hate looking at myself. I still have a ways to go, but this was such a great confirmation that I HAVE accomplished something.

Anyway, before and after pics do exist. I haven't seen them yet, but I'm going to get them emailed to me. I have a feeling the before pic will not be flattering - my first 6am session, total deer in headlights.

Hope you all had a wonderful weekend - even you lucky ducks who actually get tomorrow off for the holiday!

Saturday, January 15, 2011

New Fruit!

Here in Seattle we have a fairly diverse population, and I particularly enjoy heading over to our International District for Dim Sum or Vietamese food every so often. When my parents were visiting we went there and hit up this wonderful asian grocery store and bought some new fruits that my parents had never tried. Unfortunately, we never ate them and they've been sitting in my fridge this whole time. But I thought I'd share some of these treasures with all of you just for fun. I'm putting the disclaimer out there that since they've been in the fridge for a few weeks, they're not looking as good as they would if you bought them fresh, but I was excited to share with you. I've been lucky with my job to be able to travel to some foreign countries, so I'd had these fruits there. Otherwise I might be a bit unsure about how to eat them.

First up is the Dragon Fruit. Some of you may have seen this in your grocery store and marveled at how beautiful their exterior is. I have - such a lovely fuchia color! But check out the interior. Plain white with black seeds.

This one is overripe really, so the skin just peels away. If you get one that's at the best stage for eating, it'll be a nice clean white just under the skin instead of sort of dingy white.

This isn't my favorite fruit really, even at it's peak of sweetness. I think they're a bit bland and watery, but it's always fun to try something new.

Now THIS is my absolute favorite. Mangosteens. The queen of fruits - that's what they call them in Thailand where I first had them.

I've been seeing these little babies around quite a bit more the last few years, but they seem to be mostly used in juices and supplements. Skip those, and go right for the fruit if you can. These are incredibly delicious and I don't think there's anything comparable to them in our traditional fruits. The proper way to get to the fruit on the inside is to cut along the middle and remove the top. The skin is inedible and really hard. Just eat the white sections on the inside. This one does NOT look as good as they do when they’re ripe. So try to ignore the brown ooky areas. Usually they’re a beautiful pearly white. It looks kind of like an orange and is divided into small sections, several of which will usually have a big seed, so be aware! The flavor is really delicious and different, and the texture is kind of like very ripe mango.

Both of these tend to be a bit pricey because they come from pretty far away, but I think springtime is the best time to go looking for Mangosteens in particular. They’re usually around $7 a pound then. Yeah, expensive, but one or two to try should be enough. They’re worth it!
Anyway, I rocked the challenge on Friday. I won’t find out if I won or not until Sunday, but I already won on a personal level. I’ll post my results soon!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Open Rebellion

I realize that I'm totally obsessing about this challenge thing, but it's dredging up some very interesting reactions. I'm kind of facinated by the effect it's having. I tried to have measurements done yesterday because I felt all this stuff at the back of my mind, but my trainer had to cancel because of snow. Now it'll be on Friday am. I also feel pretty dorky because I feel like I don't have a huge amount of weight to lose at this point, and I sometimes feel paranoid like everyone in the blogosphere just thinks I'm being silly because I'm already healthy, so why bother? I feel weirdly defensive about it, even though I KNOW that isn't the case. That we all aknowledge each others journeys and mine is just closer to being about mainenence than some. But for anyone who IS thinking that, I'll just point out that someday you will be where I am, with the last 15 pounds in front of you, and you're going to realize that you're still battling some of the same demons you had 70 pounds ago. It's frustrating and saddening, but it still feels really good when you defeat them one more time and really really sad when they win.

Last night I felt a very serious push to binge. I ate my dinner in front of the tv because hubby wasn't home - bad bad bad idea. Eating in front of the tv is a total trigger for me and I do much better when we have dinner at the table. After I ate it, I just wanted SOMETHING, ANYTHING. I always kind of get the cookie monster sound effects in my head at this point too, those munchy noises.

So, my head is IN the fridge, and a new little voice is reminding me that I have measurements for the challenge on Friday, so I just have to wait until Friday night when we go out for dinner with friends. Then I can have WHATEVER I WANT. So I ate fruit and a piece of dark chocolate and called it good.

However, I can't have WHATEVER I WANT at dinner on Friday. This is why I hate weight loss deadlines. Because it circles back to being on a "diet." I'm not on a diet - none of us should be. This is my life now, and I'm happy that way. It's my lifestyle. Putting any kind of a deadline on it feels wrong. It sends me back to being a fat kid put on a diet by my Mom. That I can't have X because I'm on a diet, and X is restricted. It's just dangerous. I rebel against it.

Okay, thanks for listening! I really have no conclusion for this - I don't think there is one. There's just moving forward.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


Here's some pics of the snow we got in Seattle last night. I was supposed to go get my weight and measurements taken this morning, but my trainer cancelled because she doesn't like to drive in the snow. I guess I have another day or two to work on things, but I'd rather it was over. Anyway, a beautiful scene here on the West Coast. It's melting away as I speak!

Monday, January 10, 2011

Deadline, Shmeadline

When I get off track it feels like it takes FOREVER to get back on! I'm finally back to writing down my food and workouts again. Weight is fine, but I just really want to get into those 140's at some point, and the only way to do that is to really focus again. God, 140's. I seriously think I was in the 4th or 5th grade the last time I was anywhere near there.

I'm starting to get a bit tense about this gym challenge. This is why I don't do challenges - the minute I'm given a deadline, I just start getting all wonky. It's too much pressure. I like weight loss best when no one else is paying attention - then I can just do it at my own pace and everyone is pleasantly surprised. But it'll all be over by Friday or Saturday morning and then I'm having a big ol' cocktail. Well, I'll wait until the afternoon - I AM a lady.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Uncomfortably Numb

I can’t remember the last time I had a binge. That’s really saying something for me. I’ve rarely had gigantic binges, but they were binges all the same, and I've had them since elementary school. It went hand in hand with hiding food, but that's a whole other story. Binges generally involved bread with butter, quesadillas, stuff like that. Not always carbs though – I’m a big meat fanatic. I love fried chicken. I also love Chinese food. Actually, I USED to love those foods. Reading them now, and thinking of when I binged on them, they sound pretty gross. I never got quality food – it was always yucky grocery store deli counter quality. I’d buy one of those big combo plates of Chinese food, go home, and eat the entire thing. Past the point of feeling sick and into that place where you feel almost nothing. Identifying binging for me actually isn’t as much about the amount of food as it is about the mindset while I’m eating that food. There were times where I ate just a couple of slices of bread with butter, which while high in calories are not a huge volume of food, but I consider that a binge. Why? Because I was numb while eating them. I felt compelled to eat them. I didn’t really WANT them, I wasn’t physically hungry. It was like there was this hand shoving me to the kitchen, compelling me, pushing me to eat it. And I was taking the real me, the me that I wanted to be, the one that thinks “hey, do I even want to be eating?” and smothering her with bread and butter. Numbing her. Stupifying her so I didn’t have to listen. And only later, when I was laying on the couch with way too much food in my tummy to feel good, would she resurface and remind me why I didn’t want to eat whatever it was that I ate.
I have no idea when or why this has changed. But it has. The other night hubby and I were laying on the couch eating some kettle corn from a bowl. I poured a bit more of it from the bag into the bowl and continued snacking. Just a few moments later, I started feeling nauseaus – my body was just screaming STOP! It’s comforting that you can retrain your body. That you can relearn how to listen when it tells you that you’re full. I’m grateful that my body has been so forgiving.
I’m a firm believer in never say never. I can’t say that I’ll never binge again – chances are that I will, even if I get to my goal. I’ve lost weight before and then cycled back. There’s times even now where I feel that hand giving me a little nudge - “There’s something in the fridge your really like! Let’s eat some. No, let’s eat it all!” But for whatever reason, something is different right now. I’m really listening to what my body needs and I’m thinking about what’s best for me. I’m going to stick with it. I really like being the one in control.

Friday, January 7, 2011


I've been MIA lately. I'm still in recovery from the holidays. Work has been pretty crazy. By the time I work out and get home I just haven't felt up to getting back on the computer and checking up on everyone. This weekend I'll get back to reading. I'm avoiding checking to see how many updates I've missed, but I'm looking forward to seeing how everyone's doing!

So I posted a gain this week. I can't say I'm all that broken up about it because I weighed in this morning too and it was back off. I think the scale is bouncing around right now because I'm still getting back to my normal routine. I've just really struggled with the holidays this year. I'm so glad they're over. I'm apparently still not to that stage of weight loss where I can trancend having food shoved at me by my family. That's going to be a work in progress for, oh, the rest of my life.

Next week is the end of the challenge at my gym. My trainer said that she's doing her own prize of a new workout outfit to whichever of her clients does the best, and it's down to me and one other girl. I really need new workout gear - so I'm really pushing for it! If I win the whole enchilada I'll get another 12 free training sessions! I would absolutely love that, but the truth is that I feel a bit discouraged because I think it'll probably go to a man. Guys tend to lose weight faster and gain muscle faster - that's how this will be judged - so I'm guessing it'll be a man. Not that I'm letting it stop me from pushing myself! I'm just not getting my hopes up.

I hope you've all had a good first week of the new year! Happy Friday!