Thursday, January 13, 2011

Open Rebellion

I realize that I'm totally obsessing about this challenge thing, but it's dredging up some very interesting reactions. I'm kind of facinated by the effect it's having. I tried to have measurements done yesterday because I felt all this stuff at the back of my mind, but my trainer had to cancel because of snow. Now it'll be on Friday am. I also feel pretty dorky because I feel like I don't have a huge amount of weight to lose at this point, and I sometimes feel paranoid like everyone in the blogosphere just thinks I'm being silly because I'm already healthy, so why bother? I feel weirdly defensive about it, even though I KNOW that isn't the case. That we all aknowledge each others journeys and mine is just closer to being about mainenence than some. But for anyone who IS thinking that, I'll just point out that someday you will be where I am, with the last 15 pounds in front of you, and you're going to realize that you're still battling some of the same demons you had 70 pounds ago. It's frustrating and saddening, but it still feels really good when you defeat them one more time and really really sad when they win.

Last night I felt a very serious push to binge. I ate my dinner in front of the tv because hubby wasn't home - bad bad bad idea. Eating in front of the tv is a total trigger for me and I do much better when we have dinner at the table. After I ate it, I just wanted SOMETHING, ANYTHING. I always kind of get the cookie monster sound effects in my head at this point too, those munchy noises.

So, my head is IN the fridge, and a new little voice is reminding me that I have measurements for the challenge on Friday, so I just have to wait until Friday night when we go out for dinner with friends. Then I can have WHATEVER I WANT. So I ate fruit and a piece of dark chocolate and called it good.

However, I can't have WHATEVER I WANT at dinner on Friday. This is why I hate weight loss deadlines. Because it circles back to being on a "diet." I'm not on a diet - none of us should be. This is my life now, and I'm happy that way. It's my lifestyle. Putting any kind of a deadline on it feels wrong. It sends me back to being a fat kid put on a diet by my Mom. That I can't have X because I'm on a diet, and X is restricted. It's just dangerous. I rebel against it.

Okay, thanks for listening! I really have no conclusion for this - I don't think there is one. There's just moving forward.


  1. "That I can't have X because I'm on a diet, and X is restricted. It's just dangerous. I rebel against it" ~ I love that! I rebel against it too. ;) Good luck with the Challenge!

  2. I am very, very heavy, and I don't think you're being silly. Maybe you're keeping yourself from becoming what I have, and that is smart!