Monday, February 28, 2011

Coming Apart at the Seams

Why is it so hard to blog about this weight loss stuff when you really need it the most? I'm slacking something terrible and I just can't get it together. This is what I get for all my arrogance a couple of months ago when I felt like I could do no wrong on the weight loss front. It always catches up with me!

Back to the same old problems. Not entirely of course, but the cracks are really showing. I'm back to having a few drinks on the weekend nights and a drink a night or two during the week. I'm still fine when I'm at work, but the weekends are just getting worse and worse. It's nothing horrible, but when I consider that I want to lose another 12lbs (okay, okay it's like 15 since I stepped on the scale this morning) it's just not going to work! And I'm so close! I can totally do this. But I think I'm feeling burned out. Just like everyone else in Blogland I've been coming down with something, which doesn't really help. It's pretty mild, but even that makes you tired and unmotivated.

I got an email from my trainer checking in with me and I'm considering going back to working with her again soon. I just feel like I'm using her as a crutch a little bit and I want to be sure it's something I can do on my own. I just really have to buckle down and focus on doing what I know will work. It just feels so hard right now!

Monday, February 21, 2011


Since I've stopped working with my trainer, I've been having kind of a tough time. I was only working with her once a week, but I think even that limited amount of accountability was enough. I haven't gone hog wild or anything, but it's just been that little bit here, little bit there. Without the overall goal of the challenge to work towards, it's been harder to stay motivated.

I'm still working out consistently, and I'm going to try a new class at my gym - Maximum Sculpt. It's an hour long weight training class. I've been doing my own made up circuit training combined with interval cardio, and I think that I'm just getting to the point where I'm a bit bored and my body is adjusting to the level of activity. I need something new.

My eating has been the real culprit here. A couple times a week I've been eating to the point of discomfort. It's almost been on accident, but the "accidents" are adding up. Last week was our second wedding anniversary and we went out for a really nice dinner. At the time I didn't really feel like I'd overdone it, but the food was really rich. Around one in the morning I woke up just beyond miserable. For the rest of the week I felt like I was recovering from this one meal. Then this weekend I did it again on Saturday when we went out with some friends and I had late night beer and pizza. Last night I had my in-laws over for dinner and I had an unplanned cocktail, lots of appetizers, spagetti and meatballs, garlic bread, and cookies for desert. Blech. Again, my stomach is still in recovery.

It's just unacceptable, but you fall into that slip sliding pattern. It just builds on itself. It's kind of like that game Jenga. Anyone ever play that? Where you stack up all the little pieces of wood, piece by piece, for a nice stable tower. Then you start pulling pieces out of the tower and stacking them on top. The goal is to not be the person unlucky or unskilled enough to pull out the piece that knocks the whole thing over. You spend a lot of time hunting for the pieces that are a bit loose, the one's that aren't the weight bearing pieces, so they're easy to pull out. They don't really seem to affect the stability of the whole thing. But over time, all those easily pulled out pieces are still adding to the instability of the whole. They don't seem like it at first, but with each one pulled over time, the tower becomes like swiss cheese.

That's the stage I feel like I'm at right now. I'm not doing anything to REALLY compromise how far I've come, but I'm cutting corners. I'm taking those easy ways out. I'm indulging for a day or two, and trying to make up for it the rest of the week. It makes for instability. That's not the journey that I want.

So, what's the plan? Back to tracking. Aaaauuughhhhhh! I keep thinking I can escape tracking what I eat. The truth is that if I want to keep my weight down I will be doing this on and off for the rest of my life. It's frustrating, but comforting too. I already know that it works. I try to avoid it, but it does the job. And that's exactly what I need.

Monday, February 14, 2011


Here's the hard truth people - I've been slacking. A little extra here, a little snack there. I'm feeling it already. I was really terrible this weekend and completely overdid at dinner both Friday and Saturday nights. I will say that overdoing it now is much different than overdoing it before, but it still doesn't feel good.

Workplace temptations are getting to me. My workplace is very social, so it's expected that you will participate in every birthday, baby shower, team lunch, etc. Don't get me wrong - it's wonderful to have such a great group of people who really care about spending time together. The problem is the food. It adds up quick and it's constant. Everyone means well, but they just refuse to accept that I don't want to eat treats or desserts every day, or twice a week, or at all. It's such a part of that group culture that it's really, really hard to say no and still get to be part of the team. I appreciate that they want me to be a part of the group, but it seems like there should be other options rather than eating dessert. Some groups drink together, my group eats baked desserts together. The hard part is that all of them are pretty thin and have always been that way. They can get away with it. I can't. Sometimes, yes. But not this steady stream of processed sugar. Frankly, I don't WANT to eat it. Desserts just aren't really my thing. I know, I know - how is that possible? Well, it is. I feel resentful that in order to participate I'm expected to do something I don't want to. It sounds like we're going around bullying or stealing, doesn't it? Sometimes I really do feel silly about being so bothered by this, but I haven't felt group pressure like this in a really long time. It's so weird and frustrating. So I'm trying to balance. I'm making concessions here and there, but mitigating the damage by having very small portions. I also wonder if I'm just rebelling. Saying no just to say no. If I have some, even just a little bit, they seem satisfied. It's so strange. I guess I know how uncomfortable it makes me when other people bother me about what I eat, so I try not to do it to others. But there's a couple people in this group that are just total food pushers. I don't know, I'm still figuring out what to do with this. Maybe they worry about me too. I'm pretty regulated in what I eat and I think that's really foreign to them.

But I AM making progress. I told them that for my birthday I want a salad party. They actually thought it was a perfect idea.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Odds and Ends

Today I'm headed to a workshop on learning to meditate. I've been doing yoga for awhile and it always incorporates a bit of meditation, but I've been curious about being more focused on it. The workshop is 3 hours long, which I find a bit daunting, but hopefully we won't be trying to meditate for the entire time or anything. And hopefully there will be snacks. The workshop is being put on by the Buddhist temple here in Seattle (I never knew there was one) and they have satellite programs all over the city. I figure if anyone knows how to teach meditation, it would be a Buddhist temple, and on top of that, the class is free. Should be interesting!

Also this week Hubby and I had our medical exam for some life insurance we're getting. On an interesting NSV, my blood pressure is the lowest it's ever been. Apparently low blood pressure runs in the family, and mine has always been normal, but this time it was borderline low. Around 105/60. Isn't that crazy? I also googled issues with low blood pressure, and for someone my age it's generally not an issue, so no worries there. I think just eating fewer processed foods and working out so much more has really lowered it.

I haven't been reading blogs much this week, so I'm looking forward to seeing what's going on with all of you! On a final note, I'm so ready for summer it's ridiculous. We had clear sunny freezing cold days all this week here in Seattle and I'm longing for a time when I don't have to bundle up. I'm so over winter!

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Practice Makes Perfect?

Injury is pretty much healed, but not entirely. I think the next few days will take care of it. I'm back to working out regularly which makes me happy, just taking it easier than I have been in the past. Thanks for all the comments - I really appreciate the support! Gotta love all the mental stuff that's connected to what others think would be a physical journey. My own mental stuff usually crops up during times like this last problem, but not nearly as often as it used to.
Once upon a time I was totally obsessed with food and eating. I can always relate when someone says that while they're eating, they're thinking about their next meal. That was me, and I'm sure it was some of you. How did this change? I honestly don't know what really did it, but I think it was just practice. I think it was just behaving differently over and over again until it stuck. When I first lost a large amount of weight, I was doing a lot of yoga. Probably 4 or 5 days a week. The mental part of yoga really resounded with my journey of weight loss. The ideas of routine, balance, and practice were exactly what I needed to focus on. The same motions again and again until they were incorporated into muscle memory - not perfect by any means - but automatic. Still trying to push myself to move forward, but being at peace with where my body was in this journey. It was an excellent parallel to what I was trying to do with my eating. It's never "perfect." I don't even know what that is really. It's practice and it's a journey with ups and downs.
I'll tell you the truth that I know - I know I'm going to get to goal and I also know I will put some weight back on. It happens, life happens, and I can't face it with fear and dread. When I lose weight, I don't get it right the first time. It's taken me 10 years to get to this place in my weight loss. I had around 70 or so pounds to lose. That's not that much compared to some out there. But I needed that whole 10 years to do it. I really did. I could have powered through and lost all the weight, but I needed the time for my mind to catch up. I wasn't in a place where my health was an emergency either, which I'm grateful for. I dropped from around 215 to 170 fairly quickly, which was enough for me to feel better. After that it became more about making those changes stick, and really getting my body to a place of health. Ten years - it's a third of my life! My weight has stayed pretty consistent, but there have been ups and downs. I accept that it will be a lifelong journey. Well, today I accept that. Tomorrow I may feel differently.