Friday, October 8, 2010

Hired Gun

I've hired a personal trainer. I think it'll be great for getting a jump start on my workouts. Things have been pretty blah with them lately. It seems to be a good idea just for getting refamiliarized with weight training. I've been doing a ton of running, but I haven't done serious weight training for years. YEARS! You forget how tough it is to actually build yourself a workout, not to mention look at your own form.

She also wants to review my food log. I've been keeping a food log on and off for years, so I already have one of those, but the thought of someone else looking at it is a bit unnerving. It requires real honesty about some of my behaviors that I'm not sure I want to give her. I guess I'm wondering too if having someone looking over my shoulder will actually make some things worse. I have some binging behaviors that continue to be a problem (no purge, just binge) and I often think they're related to being an only child. I have them mostly under control, and they've never been as bad as what I hear from some people on their blogs, but I do get that same weird feeling that they get. I can do a full explanation of that another time, but I've noticed that when I feel like others are watching what I eat, the binging tends to be worse.

Being an only child of two parents, someone is almost always paying attention to what you do. This is not generally a bad thing at all. Parental involvement makes for a very high achieving child. However, I think it sometimes manifests itself in a feeling of almost paranoia at times. Someone is always watching you. For me, it seemed to focus on food. The binging is linked to this feeling of "oh, I can eat whatever I want, and no one needs to know!" A sneaking feeling. Getting away with something. It's a feeling of both being powerful and powerless. I'm in control, I'm doing what I want to do, but in the end I'm really not in control. Food isn't the answer to that problem.

The thing I have to remember is that food is just food. It fuels the body. My body. If I want to eat something, I can. It's really just up to me. When I was able to make that realization was when I was able to lose weight the first time. It seems so simple, but it is really, shockingly hard to get.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to what I can learn from the personal training sessions. I'm going to see her once a week for 12 weeks, and do other workouts on my own for the rest of the time. I think it'll be a great launching point.

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