Injury

I'm pretty frustrated with this situation. Woke up on Saturday with a sore lower back and I'm not sure how that happened. I actually didn't work out on Thursday or Friday because I've felt like I was coming down with something, so I didn't strain it or anything. I went to yoga this morning to see if that would help, and it did, but things are still pretty sensitive. I'm also getting those inklings of concern. I've been working out so consistently and losing so consistently, but I still worry that the weight will pile back on if I miss a day. I know very well that this isn't the case, but it's in the back of my mind. I just remind myself that it takes time for weight to come on and time for weight to come off. A few days of rest will not change things if I continue to eat properly. But it's amazing how long it takes for your mental self to catch up with your physical self. Even when things are good, there's that fear of waking up obese again. I really am I'm dying for a good workout though. It always makes me feel better and more balanced.

Challenge Pics

I promised, and actually delivered! Here's before and after pics from my gym challenge. Please excuse the doofy faces - they were both taken at 6am. Not really my finest hour of the day.

Before






After






To be honest, I don't see a huge change. I mostly think I look shorter in the before photos, which is probably because of the pants. But I also look like I'm standing up straighter, which is good. I think my back and shoulders are significantly stronger. I can also see a nice change in my belly! The whole thing was definitely worth it. I guess I was just hoping I'd somehow end up looking like She-Ra, ya know? My expectations might've been a little high. Overall though, I look much more toned, which was exactly what I wanted. I'm still working on it, so maybe I'll have to post some home photos in a month or two to keep me accountable!

Slog Blog

Just working out and trying to eat right over here. I don't have a whole lot to say right at the moment. I think I'm just in the post-holiday winter slog at the moment. Tracking my foods and doing a lot of circuit and interval training. Nothing profound to share with all of you, but I didn't want you to think I'd disappeared or given up!

Gym Challenge Results

The gym challenge results were announced tonight AND...I didn't win. But I DID come in second place! Yep, so close, yet so far. I really, really wanted to win - it meant 12 free training sessions and 6 months free gym membership! That works out to around $1100 worth of prizes, so I'm sure you can understand my disappointment. However, on a personal level, I really did just totally rock this. Could I have worked harder? Lost more weight? Yes, absolutely. But when I consider what I managed to do, especially over the holiday season, I'm pretty damn proud. Below are my results from the last 3 months. And some of you may notice a little surprise in the below chart:




Yep, that's right. 148! I hit the 140's very conveniently - just in time for the weigh in. And on top of that a body fat percentage loss of 7%! Guys, I'm just thrilled by this. Looking at these numbers, I'm so close to the "normal" range for everything. I just can't imagine it. I've ALWAYS been fat - always in the obese or at least overweight category. And I'm really happy about my muscles. I know I've blabbed on and on before about weight training, but I'm telling you, it just does wonders. It makes me feel so much better about my body. Things just don't constantly jiggle anymore. I don't hate looking at myself. I still have a ways to go, but this was such a great confirmation that I HAVE accomplished something.

Anyway, before and after pics do exist. I haven't seen them yet, but I'm going to get them emailed to me. I have a feeling the before pic will not be flattering - my first 6am session, total deer in headlights.

Hope you all had a wonderful weekend - even you lucky ducks who actually get tomorrow off for the holiday!

New Fruit!

Here in Seattle we have a fairly diverse population, and I particularly enjoy heading over to our International District for Dim Sum or Vietamese food every so often. When my parents were visiting we went there and hit up this wonderful asian grocery store and bought some new fruits that my parents had never tried. Unfortunately, we never ate them and they've been sitting in my fridge this whole time. But I thought I'd share some of these treasures with all of you just for fun. I'm putting the disclaimer out there that since they've been in the fridge for a few weeks, they're not looking as good as they would if you bought them fresh, but I was excited to share with you. I've been lucky with my job to be able to travel to some foreign countries, so I'd had these fruits there. Otherwise I might be a bit unsure about how to eat them.

First up is the Dragon Fruit. Some of you may have seen this in your grocery store and marveled at how beautiful their exterior is. I have - such a lovely fuchia color! But check out the interior. Plain white with black seeds.



This one is overripe really, so the skin just peels away. If you get one that's at the best stage for eating, it'll be a nice clean white just under the skin instead of sort of dingy white.









This isn't my favorite fruit really, even at it's peak of sweetness. I think they're a bit bland and watery, but it's always fun to try something new.


Now THIS is my absolute favorite. Mangosteens. The queen of fruits - that's what they call them in Thailand where I first had them.




I've been seeing these little babies around quite a bit more the last few years, but they seem to be mostly used in juices and supplements. Skip those, and go right for the fruit if you can. These are incredibly delicious and I don't think there's anything comparable to them in our traditional fruits. The proper way to get to the fruit on the inside is to cut along the middle and remove the top. The skin is inedible and really hard. Just eat the white sections on the inside. This one does NOT look as good as they do when they’re ripe. So try to ignore the brown ooky areas. Usually they’re a beautiful pearly white. It looks kind of like an orange and is divided into small sections, several of which will usually have a big seed, so be aware! The flavor is really delicious and different, and the texture is kind of like very ripe mango.





Both of these tend to be a bit pricey because they come from pretty far away, but I think springtime is the best time to go looking for Mangosteens in particular. They’re usually around $7 a pound then. Yeah, expensive, but one or two to try should be enough. They’re worth it!
Anyway, I rocked the challenge on Friday. I won’t find out if I won or not until Sunday, but I already won on a personal level. I’ll post my results soon!

Open Rebellion

I realize that I'm totally obsessing about this challenge thing, but it's dredging up some very interesting reactions. I'm kind of facinated by the effect it's having. I tried to have measurements done yesterday because I felt all this stuff at the back of my mind, but my trainer had to cancel because of snow. Now it'll be on Friday am. I also feel pretty dorky because I feel like I don't have a huge amount of weight to lose at this point, and I sometimes feel paranoid like everyone in the blogosphere just thinks I'm being silly because I'm already healthy, so why bother? I feel weirdly defensive about it, even though I KNOW that isn't the case. That we all aknowledge each others journeys and mine is just closer to being about mainenence than some. But for anyone who IS thinking that, I'll just point out that someday you will be where I am, with the last 15 pounds in front of you, and you're going to realize that you're still battling some of the same demons you had 70 pounds ago. It's frustrating and saddening, but it still feels really good when you defeat them one more time and really really sad when they win.

Last night I felt a very serious push to binge. I ate my dinner in front of the tv because hubby wasn't home - bad bad bad idea. Eating in front of the tv is a total trigger for me and I do much better when we have dinner at the table. After I ate it, I just wanted SOMETHING, ANYTHING. I always kind of get the cookie monster sound effects in my head at this point too, those munchy noises.

So, my head is IN the fridge, and a new little voice is reminding me that I have measurements for the challenge on Friday, so I just have to wait until Friday night when we go out for dinner with friends. Then I can have WHATEVER I WANT. So I ate fruit and a piece of dark chocolate and called it good.

However, I can't have WHATEVER I WANT at dinner on Friday. This is why I hate weight loss deadlines. Because it circles back to being on a "diet." I'm not on a diet - none of us should be. This is my life now, and I'm happy that way. It's my lifestyle. Putting any kind of a deadline on it feels wrong. It sends me back to being a fat kid put on a diet by my Mom. That I can't have X because I'm on a diet, and X is restricted. It's just dangerous. I rebel against it.

Okay, thanks for listening! I really have no conclusion for this - I don't think there is one. There's just moving forward.

Snowmageddon

Here's some pics of the snow we got in Seattle last night. I was supposed to go get my weight and measurements taken this morning, but my trainer cancelled because she doesn't like to drive in the snow. I guess I have another day or two to work on things, but I'd rather it was over. Anyway, a beautiful scene here on the West Coast. It's melting away as I speak!

Deadline, Shmeadline

When I get off track it feels like it takes FOREVER to get back on! I'm finally back to writing down my food and workouts again. Weight is fine, but I just really want to get into those 140's at some point, and the only way to do that is to really focus again. God, 140's. I seriously think I was in the 4th or 5th grade the last time I was anywhere near there.

I'm starting to get a bit tense about this gym challenge. This is why I don't do challenges - the minute I'm given a deadline, I just start getting all wonky. It's too much pressure. I like weight loss best when no one else is paying attention - then I can just do it at my own pace and everyone is pleasantly surprised. But it'll all be over by Friday or Saturday morning and then I'm having a big ol' cocktail. Well, I'll wait until the afternoon - I AM a lady.

Uncomfortably Numb

I can’t remember the last time I had a binge. That’s really saying something for me. I’ve rarely had gigantic binges, but they were binges all the same, and I've had them since elementary school. It went hand in hand with hiding food, but that's a whole other story. Binges generally involved bread with butter, quesadillas, stuff like that. Not always carbs though – I’m a big meat fanatic. I love fried chicken. I also love Chinese food. Actually, I USED to love those foods. Reading them now, and thinking of when I binged on them, they sound pretty gross. I never got quality food – it was always yucky grocery store deli counter quality. I’d buy one of those big combo plates of Chinese food, go home, and eat the entire thing. Past the point of feeling sick and into that place where you feel almost nothing. Identifying binging for me actually isn’t as much about the amount of food as it is about the mindset while I’m eating that food. There were times where I ate just a couple of slices of bread with butter, which while high in calories are not a huge volume of food, but I consider that a binge. Why? Because I was numb while eating them. I felt compelled to eat them. I didn’t really WANT them, I wasn’t physically hungry. It was like there was this hand shoving me to the kitchen, compelling me, pushing me to eat it. And I was taking the real me, the me that I wanted to be, the one that thinks “hey, do I even want to be eating?” and smothering her with bread and butter. Numbing her. Stupifying her so I didn’t have to listen. And only later, when I was laying on the couch with way too much food in my tummy to feel good, would she resurface and remind me why I didn’t want to eat whatever it was that I ate.
I have no idea when or why this has changed. But it has. The other night hubby and I were laying on the couch eating some kettle corn from a bowl. I poured a bit more of it from the bag into the bowl and continued snacking. Just a few moments later, I started feeling nauseaus – my body was just screaming STOP! It’s comforting that you can retrain your body. That you can relearn how to listen when it tells you that you’re full. I’m grateful that my body has been so forgiving.
I’m a firm believer in never say never. I can’t say that I’ll never binge again – chances are that I will, even if I get to my goal. I’ve lost weight before and then cycled back. There’s times even now where I feel that hand giving me a little nudge - “There’s something in the fridge your really like! Let’s eat some. No, let’s eat it all!” But for whatever reason, something is different right now. I’m really listening to what my body needs and I’m thinking about what’s best for me. I’m going to stick with it. I really like being the one in control.

Recovery

I've been MIA lately. I'm still in recovery from the holidays. Work has been pretty crazy. By the time I work out and get home I just haven't felt up to getting back on the computer and checking up on everyone. This weekend I'll get back to reading. I'm avoiding checking to see how many updates I've missed, but I'm looking forward to seeing how everyone's doing!

So I posted a gain this week. I can't say I'm all that broken up about it because I weighed in this morning too and it was back off. I think the scale is bouncing around right now because I'm still getting back to my normal routine. I've just really struggled with the holidays this year. I'm so glad they're over. I'm apparently still not to that stage of weight loss where I can trancend having food shoved at me by my family. That's going to be a work in progress for, oh, the rest of my life.

Next week is the end of the challenge at my gym. My trainer said that she's doing her own prize of a new workout outfit to whichever of her clients does the best, and it's down to me and one other girl. I really need new workout gear - so I'm really pushing for it! If I win the whole enchilada I'll get another 12 free training sessions! I would absolutely love that, but the truth is that I feel a bit discouraged because I think it'll probably go to a man. Guys tend to lose weight faster and gain muscle faster - that's how this will be judged - so I'm guessing it'll be a man. Not that I'm letting it stop me from pushing myself! I'm just not getting my hopes up.

I hope you've all had a good first week of the new year! Happy Friday!