One of the bloggers that I'm watching out there is struggling. Seriously struggling. Actually, struggling might not even be the right word because it implies that she's trying to fight back, and even that seems inaccurate. Backsliding might be a better word. Although I do aknowledge that we only see a slice of any given blogger's life, so she may be working like crazy but we just don't get to see it. Anyway, this blogger did it. She made it to goal. And now she's slipping and sliding, and what's truly interesting are her follower's reactions to it. People feel betrayed and angry. They want to feel like people can lose weight and then life is perfect. Calories in, calories out. The math is simple and basic and if you follow it, life gets better - no, life will be perfect.
Sadly, it ISN'T just about the numbers. Yep, the numbers will get you there. No doubt. And there are those out there who can live by the numbers - every day, for years. But there are those who can't. And even when you can, life sneaks up on you. You get arrogant. You get smug. You get happy with the status quo. I know it. I've been there. There's days when I am there. It's not the worst thing. But when it gets out of control - when you lose the balance and start to slide and don't pick yourself up right away - that's when it happens.
When I'm losing weight, it's like I get into a zone. I'm focused and on plan and I have it all figured out. Until the day that I don't. A few too many poor choices, a few skipped workouts, and it sneaks up and bites me.
It's hard to watch others slide. I'm not really afraid for myself. I just feel really sad for her, but I also know that it's a necessary part of her journey. We all have our own path through this, and no one can do it for us.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Owning Up
Yep, that's a gain. It's deserved. So depressing that it would be a gain my second week of weigh in, but there it is. I was thinking today how I'd explain myself, but I'm just not going to bother. It happens and I know exactly what I did and how to undo it.
To be totally honest, thinking today about how to explain myself to you all brought up the "why bother" voice. I think there's probably some of you out there who've heard this same voice, and maybe you're like me where you're really getting close to the goal of your journey. It's the voice that says, "Why bother? You're close enough. You've pretty much got all the things you wanted from weight loss. You don't need to finish and get to goal. You're married, you're happy, your clothes fit. Just think of all the things you're going to have to give up to get there. How much of a hassle it is to go out to eat. And giving up alcohol! You love a martini or two during happy hour. Happy hour! The best thing about a Friday afternoon! Besides, it's not like your husband cares. He loves you no matter what. And if you lose that weight you'll have to go out and get all new clothes. You finally have a closet full of clothes that all fit you, and now they won't. It'll be expensive! And, and, and, AND!"
I started this blog because I need to keep moving forward. I've been really struggling to find those reasons to keep losing weight. They're starting to become more subtle and that's not as motivating as when you feel like you're going to have a heart attack or you realize you can't fit into a single pair of pants that you own or you're sick and tired of being too scared to talk to someone you find attractive for fear that they'll laugh at you. Those reasons feel so much more urgent. Now it's more about feeding my body the best foods I can so that I have a great workout or performance in a race. It just doesn't feel as urgent and I'm frustrated with myself. Without a doubt, I feel so much better physically and mentally, but there's a temptation to just stop. To just say that this is good enough. I struggle with it all the time. I sometimes wonder if I'm just continuing to try to lose weight because it's all I know. It's my comfort zone now that I've been doing it for so long.
So how do those of you out there who are so close to goal or have made goal keep pushing it? What gets you all the way there?
To be totally honest, thinking today about how to explain myself to you all brought up the "why bother" voice. I think there's probably some of you out there who've heard this same voice, and maybe you're like me where you're really getting close to the goal of your journey. It's the voice that says, "Why bother? You're close enough. You've pretty much got all the things you wanted from weight loss. You don't need to finish and get to goal. You're married, you're happy, your clothes fit. Just think of all the things you're going to have to give up to get there. How much of a hassle it is to go out to eat. And giving up alcohol! You love a martini or two during happy hour. Happy hour! The best thing about a Friday afternoon! Besides, it's not like your husband cares. He loves you no matter what. And if you lose that weight you'll have to go out and get all new clothes. You finally have a closet full of clothes that all fit you, and now they won't. It'll be expensive! And, and, and, AND!"
I started this blog because I need to keep moving forward. I've been really struggling to find those reasons to keep losing weight. They're starting to become more subtle and that's not as motivating as when you feel like you're going to have a heart attack or you realize you can't fit into a single pair of pants that you own or you're sick and tired of being too scared to talk to someone you find attractive for fear that they'll laugh at you. Those reasons feel so much more urgent. Now it's more about feeding my body the best foods I can so that I have a great workout or performance in a race. It just doesn't feel as urgent and I'm frustrated with myself. Without a doubt, I feel so much better physically and mentally, but there's a temptation to just stop. To just say that this is good enough. I struggle with it all the time. I sometimes wonder if I'm just continuing to try to lose weight because it's all I know. It's my comfort zone now that I've been doing it for so long.
So how do those of you out there who are so close to goal or have made goal keep pushing it? What gets you all the way there?
Monday, November 8, 2010
Bloat
Hopped on the scale this morning and there is some serious weekend sodium bloat. Part of this is related to hormonal stuff, but I can't blame it all on that. This has been something that's happenend to me quite a bit in the past when I'm eating out a lot, but I have to say that I really managed to make better choices this weekend. I did eat out quite a bit while my parents were here, but I stuck with really healthy options. And I'm not doing the DDD Challenge but between listening to you all talk about your water and my personal trainer reminding me about it every week, it kept me paying attention to my intake. And still!
Ah well, I'll be a crazy water drinker at work today. I think the tough part of all this is that when you go out, even if you think you're getting something healthy, they're still loading up the food with too much salt to give it flavor. Just goes to show yet again that eating in is the way to go.
Ah well, I'll be a crazy water drinker at work today. I think the tough part of all this is that when you go out, even if you think you're getting something healthy, they're still loading up the food with too much salt to give it flavor. Just goes to show yet again that eating in is the way to go.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Family Time
My parents are in town this weekend! It's so great to see them. They live a plane ride away, so I only see them a couple of times a year. I'm very lucky - we have an awesome relationship and really get to enjoy spending time together.
The four of us went out to dinner last night. I have to say that I can kind of see why I was so heavy as a kid. And I do worry in particular about my dad. He just eats too much. He's prediabetic, and his dad actually had diabetes as well, so there's that genetic component added to the mix. Which is another reason I'm trying to lose more weight - both of my grandfathers had diabetes. Pretty scary.
Anyway, as a family we've always enjoyed eating, and my dad is Italian. Food has been a big focus his whole life. I just worry because I can tell that he often eats just to eat. Last night at dinner I could tell he was getting past the point of really enjoying his food, but he just continued to eat just to clean his plate. It makes me worry, but trust me, there's nothing I can really do. Any comment that gets made he either ignores, or he'll just keep eating to prove me wrong or something. He's not huge, but he does have a rather big belly. He's tried WW with my mom but nothing sticks. I keep hoping he'll wake up and make some changes, but I don't know what's going to do it. He's already had some health scares and it just doesn't seem to get through to him. He insists that he's very healthy - and he actually is for a 65 year old - but he could be healthier if he just reined in his eating a bit. I just worry, you know?
So those of you who are parents and are doing this for your kids - good for you! It really saves them some worry and heartache in the long run. They want you around as long as possible! Even if it doesn't always seem like it :)
The four of us went out to dinner last night. I have to say that I can kind of see why I was so heavy as a kid. And I do worry in particular about my dad. He just eats too much. He's prediabetic, and his dad actually had diabetes as well, so there's that genetic component added to the mix. Which is another reason I'm trying to lose more weight - both of my grandfathers had diabetes. Pretty scary.
Anyway, as a family we've always enjoyed eating, and my dad is Italian. Food has been a big focus his whole life. I just worry because I can tell that he often eats just to eat. Last night at dinner I could tell he was getting past the point of really enjoying his food, but he just continued to eat just to clean his plate. It makes me worry, but trust me, there's nothing I can really do. Any comment that gets made he either ignores, or he'll just keep eating to prove me wrong or something. He's not huge, but he does have a rather big belly. He's tried WW with my mom but nothing sticks. I keep hoping he'll wake up and make some changes, but I don't know what's going to do it. He's already had some health scares and it just doesn't seem to get through to him. He insists that he's very healthy - and he actually is for a 65 year old - but he could be healthier if he just reined in his eating a bit. I just worry, you know?
So those of you who are parents and are doing this for your kids - good for you! It really saves them some worry and heartache in the long run. They want you around as long as possible! Even if it doesn't always seem like it :)
Friday, November 5, 2010
What's Past is Past?
Finally Friday! I'm so glad to be home!
I’ve been working on my post about my weight history and it’s been dredging up some negative old memories that I’d almost forgotten all about. One that really seems to stand out was when I was in the third grade. our gym teacher had taken my class back to our classroom after gym class, and we were waiting for our usual teacher to come back. While we were waiting, our gym teacher asked for a show of hands for who would want to play in the teachers vs students basketball game, a tradition they had every year. I’d been playing quite a bit with some kids in my neighborhood over the summer, so I raised my hand. Our gym teacher seemed a bit surprised and asked if I really knew how to play. I didn’t know all the rules, but I could shoot pretty decently, and I said so. One of the boys in my class turned to me and asked, loudly to be sure everyone heard him, if I was going to dribble the ball with my big fat stomach. Most everyone laughed and I just stood there in shock. I remember looking up at my gym teacher, expecting her to at least tell this boy to knock it off, and she was smirking! Laughing at me right along with everyone else. I was crushed. At that point I was used to hearing that type of thing from kids, but having an adult join in was a new and painful development. Even now just writing this I can feel that visceral sense of utter and total humiliation and shame.
Looking back on this now, I do go over it and wonder if there was some sort of explanation for this, if somehow I’m misremembering. But I know I'm not. I could also see that these things just don’t sound like that huge of a deal to someone who never experienced it, so maybe she just had no idea of the impact of what she did. There’s this magnification of feeling in childhood that we lose appreciation for as adults. It’s shaping who you become and how you view yourself. It’s more intense than you think. You'd certainly think a teacher would understand that. And as a phys ed teacher, don't you think it was her job to encourage someone like me to be more physical? Instead it reinforced my avoidance of activity. That as much as anything else makes what she did pretty shameful.
Anyway, I hope I didn’t drag anyone down with that story. I can imagine some of you can relate to it. It’s certainly not as bad as quite a few of the childhood experiences I’ve read on these blogs, but it’s something that's stuck with me. Most of my childhood was very happy, but sometimes these types of incidents just overshadowed the good stuff, and it feels very cathartic to share. So thanks for listening!
I’ve been working on my post about my weight history and it’s been dredging up some negative old memories that I’d almost forgotten all about. One that really seems to stand out was when I was in the third grade. our gym teacher had taken my class back to our classroom after gym class, and we were waiting for our usual teacher to come back. While we were waiting, our gym teacher asked for a show of hands for who would want to play in the teachers vs students basketball game, a tradition they had every year. I’d been playing quite a bit with some kids in my neighborhood over the summer, so I raised my hand. Our gym teacher seemed a bit surprised and asked if I really knew how to play. I didn’t know all the rules, but I could shoot pretty decently, and I said so. One of the boys in my class turned to me and asked, loudly to be sure everyone heard him, if I was going to dribble the ball with my big fat stomach. Most everyone laughed and I just stood there in shock. I remember looking up at my gym teacher, expecting her to at least tell this boy to knock it off, and she was smirking! Laughing at me right along with everyone else. I was crushed. At that point I was used to hearing that type of thing from kids, but having an adult join in was a new and painful development. Even now just writing this I can feel that visceral sense of utter and total humiliation and shame.
Looking back on this now, I do go over it and wonder if there was some sort of explanation for this, if somehow I’m misremembering. But I know I'm not. I could also see that these things just don’t sound like that huge of a deal to someone who never experienced it, so maybe she just had no idea of the impact of what she did. There’s this magnification of feeling in childhood that we lose appreciation for as adults. It’s shaping who you become and how you view yourself. It’s more intense than you think. You'd certainly think a teacher would understand that. And as a phys ed teacher, don't you think it was her job to encourage someone like me to be more physical? Instead it reinforced my avoidance of activity. That as much as anything else makes what she did pretty shameful.
Anyway, I hope I didn’t drag anyone down with that story. I can imagine some of you can relate to it. It’s certainly not as bad as quite a few of the childhood experiences I’ve read on these blogs, but it’s something that's stuck with me. Most of my childhood was very happy, but sometimes these types of incidents just overshadowed the good stuff, and it feels very cathartic to share. So thanks for listening!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
First Blog Weigh-In
Ta-da! Seriously, I'm so low tech that I'm amazingly proud of anything I add to this blog.
Anyway, first weigh in posted over there on the right! 156.6. Around a year ago I was at 175, and the beginning of October I was around 163, so I'm feeling pretty darn good about this.
I'm actually a bit nervous about putting my weight out there. Makes me feel some pressure for next week. But I guess that's the whole point, right? Accountability. Gotta love it.
Have a lovely Wednesday! Don't eat the leftover Halloween candy!
Anyway, first weigh in posted over there on the right! 156.6. Around a year ago I was at 175, and the beginning of October I was around 163, so I'm feeling pretty darn good about this.
I'm actually a bit nervous about putting my weight out there. Makes me feel some pressure for next week. But I guess that's the whole point, right? Accountability. Gotta love it.
Have a lovely Wednesday! Don't eat the leftover Halloween candy!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
The Grind
I learned a very interesting tidbit at the dentist today. I’ve been a chronic tooth grinder for awhile. My dentist noticed it about 2 or 3 years ago, but I suspect it was going on for awhile before that. I was talking to my dental hygienist at my cleaning this morning, and she said that grinding cases have shot up in the last 30 years. It was very rare in the 80’s, but now its commonplace. It had been attributed to more stressful jobs and work environments, but apparently there have been some recent studies that show that it is also affected by the amount of sugar and starch in people’s diets. All that added sugar and starch raises the acidity level in the blood which affects the ability of the muscles in the body to relax properly. So our muscles are constantly tense, even when we sleep. I’m not a doctor, and I in no way claim to be an expert on any of this, but common sense tells me that any huge shifts in diet like we’ve had in the last 50 or so years are going to affect our bodies in unforeseen ways. I just couldn't get over it. You really are what you eat and it's so important to eat real wholesome foods so you don't get some random health issue like tooth grinding. Who knew?!
On a totally different topic, I'm going to start posting weight this week. I actually weigh in 3 times a week - Monday, Wednesday, Friday - but I'll just share one of them a week. I think I'll go with Wednesday and see how it goes. I'm not a huge fan of focusing on my weight, but for the purpose of a blog it makes sense. You all need to see some tangible evidence that I'm actually doing something, and I'm not completely comfortable posting pictures quite yet.
Here's a very short background of my weight gain (I've been trying to put together a post about my history, but my weight has been an issue my whole life, so I'm trying to condense it down for you. Nice of me, right?). I started really trying to lose weight when I was 22 years old and 205 pounds. I think I was down from a high around 215 or so (I had stopped weighing myself completely). I had put most of it on in college with beer and horrible food, but I managed to get my eating under control when I lived by myself after college ended. I actually lost the vast majority of weight around 6 years ago (50lbs), met a boy, got married, and gained around 20lbs back. I've almost taken that 20lbs off, and from there I would like to lose another 20lbs to be at 135. I seriously can't get over that number, especially now that it seems so close. 20lbs is a ways to go for me. I tend to lose quite slowly with the intention of keeping it off forever, and I've been pretty successful with it. But 135. I can't wrap my head around what I would even look like - I think I was in the 4th or 5th grade when I weighed that much. Maybe.
So I hope you'll all help me out for the last 23-ish pounds (we'll know tomorrow). I think sometimes that getting so close to the end is the hardest part. You can almost taste it (ha, ironic) but it seems to hover just out of reach. I want to get there and I want it to last.
On a totally different topic, I'm going to start posting weight this week. I actually weigh in 3 times a week - Monday, Wednesday, Friday - but I'll just share one of them a week. I think I'll go with Wednesday and see how it goes. I'm not a huge fan of focusing on my weight, but for the purpose of a blog it makes sense. You all need to see some tangible evidence that I'm actually doing something, and I'm not completely comfortable posting pictures quite yet.
Here's a very short background of my weight gain (I've been trying to put together a post about my history, but my weight has been an issue my whole life, so I'm trying to condense it down for you. Nice of me, right?). I started really trying to lose weight when I was 22 years old and 205 pounds. I think I was down from a high around 215 or so (I had stopped weighing myself completely). I had put most of it on in college with beer and horrible food, but I managed to get my eating under control when I lived by myself after college ended. I actually lost the vast majority of weight around 6 years ago (50lbs), met a boy, got married, and gained around 20lbs back. I've almost taken that 20lbs off, and from there I would like to lose another 20lbs to be at 135. I seriously can't get over that number, especially now that it seems so close. 20lbs is a ways to go for me. I tend to lose quite slowly with the intention of keeping it off forever, and I've been pretty successful with it. But 135. I can't wrap my head around what I would even look like - I think I was in the 4th or 5th grade when I weighed that much. Maybe.
So I hope you'll all help me out for the last 23-ish pounds (we'll know tomorrow). I think sometimes that getting so close to the end is the hardest part. You can almost taste it (ha, ironic) but it seems to hover just out of reach. I want to get there and I want it to last.
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