When Is Enough, Enough?

Sorry to pop back in after a long absence just to post something negative, but sometimes that’s how it rolls, right? I’ve gained all the weight back that I’d lost – I’m back up to 165. I won’t bother going into how it happened. I’d say that everyone already knows and has probably been through it a time or twenty. I think the question I’m having these days is this – why bother? Honestly, why bother? To attempt to get myself motivated I went around and started reading all the great blogs I’d been reading before, and you know what? Pretty much all of the people writing those blogs have also gained back some or all of the weight they lost. There’s still a few people out there who are on an amazing trajectory of weight loss, still feeling great and super motivated. But overall, let’s be honest – there’s a dearth of true weight success out there. And I for one am starting to question the point of it all. Food in our society is so messed up that it sometimes feels like there’s no way out. Try this way of eating, try that – nothing works! You have to either cut out major food groups or whittle your calories down to nothing! I absolutely believe that paleo/ primal eating works – but that basically means giving up your social life so you’re not constantly faced with food you’re not supposed to eat. It’s ridiculous. The whole system is set up for us to fail. What we’re actually consuming is hidden from us. Even when we eat just meat and veggies, it’s a minefield! That healthy broccoli? Genetically engineered and covered in chemicals! That lean chicken breast? Pumped full of antibiotics, genetically engineered, beak clipped, overcrowded living spaces, fed only corn and living in piles of its own poop! What about eating only organically? Goodbye entire paycheck! We put so much effort into it. We think about it all the time. We curse our bodies when they don’t look right and our minds when they get tired and can’t keep up with the unrealistic expectations. Choice by choice by choice. I’m just so tired of it. So, so over it. Help me out here, peeps. Remind me why we bother. These days I’m feeling pretty ok with my fat pants. I have a job, an amazing husband, and a good life. Why do I give a rip what size my clothing tag says? Why can’t I just stop trying to “improve”? Why can't I just be happy with how I am? When is it enough?

Illumination

It’s only been around 3 months since my last post! I thought for sure it would’ve been longer. It feels longer. Hope any of you still out there are doing well and enjoying life.
It’s finally summer here in Seattle and it only took until the last two weeks of August. Lucky us! I’ll freely admit that this “summer” has made me feel like it might be time to leave this city for places unknown, but when you see the Puget sound so bright and blue on those perfectly sunny days…sigh…it’s tough to want to leave. You’ll probably be hearing this exact same go around next Spring.
So what has dragged me away from blogland? No good excuse I’m afraid. Frankly, I didn’t want to think about weight loss anymore. I still kind of don’t. I’m going through what appears to be a transitional time in my life, and weight loss just doesn’t seem all that important right at the moment. In fact, it became a distraction. Maybe even a crutch. If I could just constantly be worried about what I was eating and when I was working out, I didn’t have to think about anything else. I didn’t have to think about how frustrated I was with my job, or that I felt disconnected from my friendships, or mad at my husband. I was losing weight, gosh darn it! That’s a higher calling, don’t you know? Truth is that I was letting it distract me from dealing with everything else. Don’t get me wrong – I haven’t actually dealt with everything else. But now I’m THINKING about dealing with everything else. At the very least I’m aware that there are other things to be dealt with.
As I was perusing around to some other blogs, I see that so many others have continued to share their journey. Christine at A Deliberate Life was brutally self honest as usual and infinitely relateable. Her comments about trying to fix others to avoid taking a hard look at yourself were right on the mark for me. I’ve been spending quite a bit of time checking out everyone else’s paper to make sure their on track while ignoring my own work to be done. Why, oh why is it so hard to see ourselves clearly? It would just be so much easier to fix everyone else’s problems first. Their problems are all so clear and obvious! Easily fixed! Whereas I feel like I can’t even get a handle on what the real problem actually IS.
I guess that’s life, right? There’s just going to be a certain amount of stumbling around in the dark – literally and figuratively. I keep waiting for the beam of light to illuminate it all for me, clear as day, with a huge booming voice saying “This way! This is the way you’re meant to go!” Unfortunately, it seems like right now all I’m getting is the light from a crack under the door. I can see vague shapes and promising possibilities, but even when I’m standing right next to them, I tend to miss them. There’s something right there, and I’m trying to reach out and grab it, but it’s not going to be caught so easily this time. I have to work for it. Which would be fine if I knew what work needed to be done.
Just a bit of existential blathering. Needless to say, I’m feeling a bit lost these days. It just feels like it’s taking forever to find…whatever it is I’m looking for.

Compassion

Hope everyone had a great weekend! It's a tough Monday today. Even making it to the gym this morning didn't lift my mood like I was hoping it would, but I'll just keep on trucking.

I've signed back up with my trainer and sessions start on the 25th. My workouts need a serious boost, so the timing is excellent.

On a more personal note, does anyone else out there just feel like you have these times in life where you just never say or do the right thing? That every natural instinct is just totally wrong? Lately I feel like everything I say and do just manages to piss off or upset someone. I think it's partly the dreariness here in Seattle is dragging everyone down and making them crabby, but I'm also trying to look at what I'm doing wrong. Maybe I'm the crabby one? Sometimes I just wish it was easier to see ourselves as we really are so we could fix all the things that need fixing. Instead we sort of flounder around just doing the best we can. Compassion, both towards ourselves and towards others, is really the answer. It's just not always easy to feel it or make it happen.

Field Trip

I headed to Vegas over the weekend with a couple of girlfriends and it was just what I needed! Three days poolside with perfect weather. 80 to 85 degrees with a nice breeze and blue skies. Seattle is a beautiful city but everything they say about the weather is true. I had to get out!




Eating there was a serious challenge, but I did okay. A few cocktails too many, but overall it could've been much worse. The biggest problem is that the food there is gross and twice as expensive as anyplace else. We hit up a pharmacy for sunscreen one day and when I saw a rack of fruit I became ridiculously excited. Along the strip there are no grocery stores because they want you to eat out at all the overpriced restaurants. But who goes to Vegas for the food? It's all about the nightlife and getting some sun!

Get Down With The Sickness

Happy Easter weekend! I've joined all of you out there in Blogland in the illnesses that are knocking people out left and right. I went home early from work on Thursday and stayed home yesterday. Today I'm feeling significantly better but still unable to leave the house without a big wad of tissues on my person. It's so, so gross to be blowing your nose everywhere, but better than being that adult who wipes her snot on her sleeve like a two year old.

I've also realized how much I HATE being sick. It's just so boring. You're not at work, but yet you can't do any of the fun things that you want to do when you're at home. No workouts either. That's the worst I think because I rely so much on working out to keep me levelheaded and happy. Instead I laid on the couch, ate whatever crap I could find (not much since I don't buy really bad stuff, but I did spend quite a bit of time with peanut butter and a spoon. Blech) and bitched at my husband about how bored I was. The worst part is that we're finally, FINALLY having some spring weather here in Seattle. Vitamin D all over the place! Seattle is the most beautiful city ever - but only when it's sunny! Which has probably been a total of two months in the last two years. Anyway, yesterday was gorgeous, and I was on forced bedrest. Lucky for me, today is even better! So hubby and I have been out running errands on foot. Save a little money in gas and get a bit of light exercise.

I also waxed my eyebrows for the very first time today! I wax other bits, but I've never done my brows because they don't really need it that much. But they did need some trimming, so I thought I'd do the whole shebang. I'm loving it, but right now I look lobster-esque around the brow. Hopefully it will fade shortly.

I've also decided to buckle down and do the final push to my goal weight. I'm going to start meeting with my trainer again and really refocus to get myself to 135. I'm happy with where I am, but I really want to do this. I've proven to myself in the last few months that I can maintain where I'm at, and I can see what I'll need to do to get myself to goal. It's doable. I wasn't sure if it would be, but it definitely is. I feel so good when I'm really sticking to my eating and working out plan, and just being really dedicated to it will get me there.

The paleo thing has been pretty incredible actually. I'm not able to do the full blown plan, but even just cutting out processed grains has been huge. It makes maintenence really easy, and it's done wonders for my skin. I have rosacea on my face, and when I'm sticking to plan it fades significantly.

I hope everyone has a lovely holiday and is lucky enough to get a bit of sun!

Recognition

This past weekend I headed down to Portland for my close girlfriend's baby shower. I'm at the stage of live where practically everyone I know is pregnant. No, really. It's insane. There was another extremely pregnant friend there, and then another friend made her announcement as well. And there's 3 pregnant women on my floor at work. And one of my sister's-in-law is pregnant. I'm sure there's shortly more to be announced.

Anyway, that's not actually what this post is about. At the shower there was a woman that I apparently hadn't seen since just after college at my friend's wedding, around 8 years ago. At that time I'd started losing some weight, but I was still in the early stages and right around 200 or so. I was chatting with her a bit during the shower (she'd brought her 6 month old. See? Everyone!) and she seemed a bit cool, which I just figured was due to her focus on the baby and so many of our old friends being around to talk to.

As the party was winding down, I went to say goodbye to the guest of honor, and she and this other woman were chatting. When I was saying my goodbyes, the other woman admitted that she actually hadn't recognized me because I'd lost so much weight. I was kind of taken aback. I was REALLY heavy so long ago that I just can't imagine that I really look all that different than I ever did. I guess the whole thing made me feel really awkward, when I was supposed to be flattered?

I'm sure there are those of you with big weight losses that have experienced this type of thing. For me, I'm almost always left with that feeling of "Boy, was I really just so hideous before?" People mean well, and it IS flattering to hear that you look nice. But knowing that I was always the same person on the inside makes it hard to hear what people REALLY thought of your outside. It's kind of painful in a way. I keep waiting for this feeling to fade, but it seems to happen almost every time. I'm trying to just be flattered. It's really my own issues that make it hard to hear the compliments.

Hiatus

I just needed a break. I felt like I was getting to the point where weight loss and what I was eating was all I could think about. It was getting to be too much. Just a little burn out.

But I'm here and all is well. I've been maintaining my loss without too much trouble. I've been doing sort of a lazy person's paleo program and it's working really well for me. Sticking to lots of fruit, veggies, and protein. Weekends are still bumpy, but as usual, I'm working on it.

I have to say though, maintenence is so boring. It's a challenge, no doubt, but with none of the glory of weight loss. It's the red-headed stepchild of the weight loss world. It gets to be habit and routine - it has to if I'm going to be successful - but there are those days where you just think of all the years you have ahead of you to spend watching what you eat. And they feel loooooonnnnnnggggg. Although I have reached that point where when I make a poor choice, I feel it right away. I ate pizza for lunch last week and really thought I might have to take a nap under my desk for the afternoon. And french fries sit like a ten pound rock in my stomach.
I guess it's good that my body is telling me what it needs and keeping me in check. But I still weigh about 3 to 4 pounds more on a Monday than I do on a Friday, so there's still lots of work to do.